


Remus Lupin and the Woman Who Wouldn't Leave Him Alone, Or Tonks and the Stubborn, Stubborn Man

by theworldunseen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Kissing, Lots of kissing, Metamorphmagus, Racebent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:26:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theworldunseen/pseuds/theworldunseen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of a relationship that shouldn't happen, except that it does. </p><p>Starts post-Goblet of Fire and goes right to the end of the series. Tags updated as we go. Racebent Tonks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning

The minute she walked in the door, his eyes fell on her. It might have been her bright purple hair, or the fact that she slammed her elbow on the door and gave a small yelp. But all of a sudden Remus could not recall what Sirius and Arthur — who he’d just met, and already liked as much as he’d enjoyed his kids in class — were saying. She looked so young, so out of place in this grim basement, in this grim company. A ghost, that’s what he was. She was alive.

Remus looked away quickly but Sirius already saw what he’d been looking at and broke out in a large grin. Sirius had been in the darkest prison in the world, and still his smile could charm anyone. And he knew the girl.

“Nymphadora! Another Black on the right side of the tracks!” Sirius’ laugh boomed as Tonks made her way over.

“Wotcher Sirius! I never thought I’d meet my felon cousin, and yet here we are,” she said, projecting a confidence with her voice that her eyes betrayed, Remus noticed. “But it’s Tonks. Just call me Tonks.” Sirius found this funny too. Remus would have guessed that he laughed more now. Did he appreciate it more, or was he overcompensating?

“Arthur, Remus, this is my cousin Tonks,” Sirius said, “Daughter of my mother’s sister who married a Muggle-born and was stricken from the family tree. Literally, you can see it upstairs. Tonks, this is Arthur Weasley — he works at the Ministry, something to do with Muggles — ”

“— Misuse of Muggle Artifacts, lovely to meet you,” he said, shaking her hand and grinning.

“Oh, I work for the Ministry too! I’m an Auror,” she said, grinning. Remus’s eyebrows went up on the word “Auror” and she noticed. She recognized that look — that look was why she was so good at her job. No one expected a plus-size, mixed race twenty-three year old with a pixie cut in an old flannel to be a magic super spy. It was a perpetual upper hand. The doubters — like this guy, apparently — only motivated her more. And who was this guy, anyway? Honestly, he looked kind of sad — frowny and wrinkled and unshaven. Actually, he could have been a little cute.

“And this is my best friend, Remus Lupin,” Sirius said and Tonks laughed, only to draw confused looks from her new acquaintances. Her first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and she couldn’t stop laughing, that’s how nervous she was. Behave, Tonks.

“It’s just a funny name,” she explained, “ Because, well, Aurors have to study Latin — supposed to help with our spell casting — and Lupin is like lupus, the Latin for wolf, and then Remus is one of the founders of Rome, who was raised by wolves, so your name is basically ‘Wolf Wolf.’” She giggled but no one else smiled. Remus looked like someone had punched him in the gut and Sirius kept running his hand through his hair. “Oh no, I just said something idiotic, didn’t I? Is it a family name? Did I —”

Later, much later, Remus would wonder why he’d told her then. He could have backed away, it could’ve stayed a secret a little longer. Maybe he wanted to make her feel more comfortable, maybe he was tired of lying, maybe he wanted her to smile again, maybe he was already a little in love with her (though he couldn’t have realized it that at the time). The words just came tumbling out of his mouth: “Sirius is only making that face because I’m a werewolf, and usually he’d make a snide joke at this juncture but you didn’t know yet, so he wasn’t sure. But now you do, so Sirius can make a joke now.”

And then he smiled to let her know it was OK, and she was already a little in love with him too. They never heard Sirius’s joke, because Albus Dumbledore walked into the room and called them all to order.

\----

The meeting had been over some time and Sirius — happy to play host — had provided beers for those who remained. But slowly their numbers dwindled until just Sirius, Remus and Tonks gather around the long table.

“I have to work tomorrow,” she said, rising from her chair and knocking over and shattering her pint glass. She giggled and Remus raised his eyebrows again.

“You keep doing that!” she said, honestly annoyed. “I don’t like it!” With a practiced flick of her wand her pint glass was reassembled. He raised his eyebrows again. “Right there!”

“I — I don’t mean to be rude,” he said. “I just find you surprising.” Her hands were on her hips and he could have sworn her hair had been purple, but now it looked red. “In a good way!”

“I’m the youngest woman of color to become an Auror in the history of Britain, so believe me, I know when I’m being condescended to.” Sirius let out a low whistle, but he was not getting involved.

“No, that’s not what I meant!” He was standing too now, and he was flustered. “I like it — not that it matters what I like — but you’re very _you_. And I think that’s, ugh, cool?” Now Sirius raised his eyebrows, though neither Tonks nor Lupin saw. 

“Well that’s the thing,” she said, heading toward the door, her hair turning green, her noise growing long, “I can be anyone I want.” He barely heard her cheery “Night!” as the door shut behind her. Sirius laughed as Remus finished his beer.

“Watch out for that one,” Sirius said, knowing his warning was a few hours too late, knowing well before Remus or Tonks. “The Black family women, they’ll get you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo thanks for reading chapter one. Basically, this will be all the off-screen Lupin and Tonks moments, all the moments JK didn't write them. It'll be canon complaint — except that Tonks is also a plus-sized woman of color, because I'm obsessed with how that plays into her being a Metamorphmagus (also will I have the heart to kill them both? We'll have to see). 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> (I owe at least an emotional debt to Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl and Carry On for making me want to write fanfiction again)


	2. Intensely Personal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol it's been forever but i've been listening to order of the phoenix on audiotape so i've been feeling inspired. enjoy.

And so they fell into their patterns.

Remus was happy to have a home again. Or something like a home. Yes, he had an  _apartment_ , but he hated it. Not that he loved 12 Grimmauld Place either, with its dampness and dark magic and the crazy house elf and Sirius brooding in ever corner. He was trying to explain this to Tonks one night after a meeting, when quite a few Order members had lingered for drinks provided by Molly and Sirius. Watching Molly and Sirius awkwardly circle each other in all household manners was its own weird comfort. It was so ... domestic.

"No, I get it," Tonks said. "You must have been terribly lonely."

Remus was taken aback by this. Of course, he was terribly lonely, but no one ever acknowledged it to his face. He ran a hand through his greying hair and sort of laughed nervously.

"No, I didn't mean — I just — ugh," Tonks said, fiddling with the label on her butterbeer bottle. "You think it's noble. That you live alone. You're not near werewolves and you're not near people." Her face was getting red, her ears felt hot but she couldn't stop. "But it's not. You don't have to."

He didn't say anything.

"Sorry, I don't know how I dragged it to such a depressing place."

"No, it's fine," he said, reaching to rest a comforting hand on her arm, then thinking better of it and putting it on the table.

"You're not wrong." He looked around.

"But now I'm not lonely."

At that moment, a glass shattered on the other side of the room. "It wasn't me for once!" Tonks shouted and everyone laughed. In the laughter, she rose and walked over to where Bill Weasley and Sirius were chatting. He was sad to see her go.

\---

Once the Weasley kids and the Granger girl moved in the house really came alive. Ginny and Hermione had both given Lupin big hugs when they saw him ‚ had he been a good teacher? They didn't have much to compare him to, given they'd been taught by a lunatic possessed by Voldemort, a lunatic who probably wished he was possessed by Voldemort, and a pretty boy liar, but still, it felt nice to feel a little missed. Their feet ran up and down the stairs at all hours of the day, and they ran around the kitchen helping Molly every night. Tonks would always offer her help too, which Molly would reluctantly accept. So Tonks would go around the kitchen making messes and Remus would, with subtlety and discretion, help her clean them up without Molly noticing. One night after dinner, he and Hermione tried over and over to help her master the Scouring Charm, but she just couldn't get the hang of it.

"An auror who can't clean a pot, could you imagine..." she said, turning her wand in tight little circles. 

"You've got more important things to worry about than cleaning charms," said Hermione. "You're strong — I wonder if you'd be better at cleaning the Muggle way."

"I've always said Wizards should adopt more Muggle things," said Tonks. "Like television and boomboxes and Star Wars."

"How do you know about Star Wars?" asked Hermione skeptically.

"My dad's Muggle born. My grandparents moved here from Jamaica right before my dad was born. My gran loved movies, took me to see Empire Strikes Back for my seventh birthday." Tonk's hair was suddenly in two brown buns on either side of her head, which made Hermione and Ginny snort with delight. This turned into a stretch of Tonks doing sorts of bizarre things to her face and hair, to Ginny and Hermione's delight. Remus rolled his eyes, as if annoyed, before turning to Arthur to discuss some article in the Daily Prophet, but secretly he was delighted as well.

\---

Of course, these moments were just their respite from the world that was slowly immolating around them. Whenever Dumbledore was assigning missions, Tonks hoped, and feared, that she would get placed with Remus. One night, Dumbledore sent them to watch outside Malfoy Manor together. When they went to leave Grimmauld Place together, she was so excited and nervous she was almost shaking. As she reached for the door, she started to mold herself into a disguise — she made herself a little shorter but her legs longer, her hair darkened and zoomed into her head, her waist line receded and her skin lightened. Remus was mesmerized as he watched. Something about being in disguise calmed Tonks. She didn't feel so goofy anymore. She was an auror. Once they were on the stoop they apparated away.

Remus was shocked and not shocked at all to see Tonks in action. He knew she was an auror — he knew she was certainly an amazing auror, or Dumbledore wouldn't have bothered to recruit her. But it was jarring to see someone so light and fun become so serious. As they parted ways to make a perimeter of the manor, she looked back at him and winked. He felt a little flutter in his chest he unsuccessfully pushed aside.

As he circled the manor, Remus thought of all the reasons why he shouldn't feel any flutters. He barely knew her. She was so young. She was light and he was dark. He felt melodramatic even thinking it, but he was a werewolf! What was more melodramatic than that! 

A light near Malfoy Manor caught his eye. He stopped, stooped behind a bush, and watched. He would tell Dumbledore not to send him on any more missions with Tonks. He would say ... nope, there would be no explanation. He would just hide forever. He would just stay behind this bush —

"What do you think they're doing?"

Remus jumped. He would not have aced Stealth and Tracking like Tonks did, apparently. He turned to look at her. It was bizarre hearing her voice come out of her changed body.

"I don't know," he said, trying to sound calm, cool and collected. He was maybe succeeding. "Looks to me like a meeting is breaking up."

Tonks nodded. She gestured uphill with her head, where they would have a better line of sight, and they walked together, matching each other's stride. And so they watched as some distant figures in hooded cloaks left Malfoy Manor and disapparated. It was rather uneventful, but stressful nonetheless.

Tonks liked the stress. It helped her focus. She wasn't clumsy on missions, when it really counted. On missions was the only time she wasn't nervous around Remus. 

"When you're disguising yourself, what makes you pick your disguise," he asked.

"Well tonight," she says, "I wanted to be short, for better hiding, but I still wanted long legs for running. I made my hair short so my hair wouldn't fall in my eyes. I could go long with a ponytail, but it bothers me when it pulls on my head, so no. Then I made myself thinner for better hiding too. And just to alter my appearance, I guess."

"And your skin?" he asked.

"People are less suspicious of a white woman," she said, with a shrug. "Just reality." 

He frowned and nodded. 

\----

A few weeks and missions later, they picked up Harry Potter. Tonks knew Moody would have preferred it were just the three of them, Tonks, Lupin, and Moody, but Dumbledore thought more people would be better, so here they were, a giant mob of wizard's descending on Privet Drive. They kicked off their broomsticks one by one from Grimmauld Place. As they hovered in the air, waiting for the others, Tonks looked at Remus.

"Bet I'll get there faster than you, old man," she said, circling him. 

"I don't doubt it," he said, smirking.

"I don't doubt it," she said, mocking him. "Where's the fun in that?"

"Fine. If I win I get to knock over something incredibly loud and you'll have to tell Molly you did it."

"If I win you have to answer three intensely personal questions." She started to fly away.

"I didn't know that was an option!" he yelled after her. "I pick that one too."

But she got there first, him swearing under his breath.


	3. Oh My God I Think I Like You

Tonks felt sort of bad about it, really. There was a war going on. She could killed by a dark wizard at any moment. Actually, now that she thought of it, even before He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named came back, she was an auror, so she was always at risk of being killed by a dark wizard. But the threat was definitely more immediate now. She shouldn't be thinking about boys.

Or men, because that's what Remus was. Tonks was 23. She felt it acutely every time she looked at him — she was a child, he was a man. But maybe that's all what made it fun. When she was with him, trying to get him to look at her or smile at her or, best of all, laugh at her, it was a welcome distraction from all the pain and misery that surrounded them. It was a task she could focus on that wouldn't lead to her doom. Probably.

At least, this is how she rationalized it to herself. It was fun. It wasn't serious. He would never really look at her twice. And yet...

The night they picked up Harry Potter from the place with those horrible Muggles, he'd introduced her to Harry as Nymphadora, and though she quickly corrected him, hearing him say her name made her stomach do this little flippy thing she hadn't felt since Oliver Quimby had kissed her during seventh year when they'd both drank too much fire whiskey. But she had to focus — which, in this case, meant trying to fold Harry Potter's socks, a spell she usually didn't do well but especially didn't do well when thinking about handsome 36-year-old werewolves who were waiting for them downstairs.

Moody had them fly way out of the way when they returned to Grimmauld Place, and Tonks couldn't remember the last time she felt so cold. A few minutes after they landed, they were in the Grimmauld Place kitchen, and despite their large number Tonks was still freezing. She tried so hard to listen to Dumbledore and not visibly shake, but she wasn't at all succeeding when all of a sudden there was a cloak around her shoulders. She turned and saw Remus, staring straight at Dumbledore but now cloakless. When he saw her looking at him, he gave her the smallest wink. And she melted.


	4. Do You Feel Reckless When You Realize You're Alive

When Ron and Hermione were made prefects, Molly threw them a little party, which was just the thing to lift a little bit of gloom out of Grimmauld Place, thought Remus. The basement kitchen was full and the butter beer flowed. It was so _normal_. For a night, Remus' shoulders felt less tense. He found himself smiling more easily.

"I was a prefect, you know," he told Harry, Ron and Hermione. "I think Dumbledore hoped I'd keep James and Sirius in line."

The trio laughed, but Remus saw a certain young witch laughing too out of the corner of his eye. And he smiled.

Later, she sidled up to him while he refilled his glass with punch. "You a prefect?" she said, giggling still. "Would have loved to see that."

"Oh? Wish you could have seen me ineffectively scold first years?"

"No, I've just got a thing for men in power," she said, locking eyes with him. His cheeks immediately burned bright red, but they both laughed and smiled.

A little whilte later, she found him again, this time with Moody's photo of the old Order of the Phoenix in hand. "Look at Sirius and all his long hair!" she said, waving it in front of Remus's face. He took it from her and smiled, looking at his friends, so young and glowing.

"I don't think James and Lily were married yet, here," he said, a little sadly. In Tonks' opinion, he did too many things a little sadly, but there was something irresistible about that tendency too. "Look how young I am," he said, laughing.

"I like you better with a little gray in your hair," she said, grinning again. She was always grinning. He couldn't imagine being that happy all the time.

"You say that because you don't have any yet," he said, looking at her bright yellow hair, which, she had explained to Ginny earlier, was her way of showing Hufflepuff pride in a sea of Gryffindors.

"You have no idea what my hair really looks like!" she said, laughing. He shrugged in agreement as her hair grew into a huge grey afro. His eyes grew wide. "I'm just taking the piss," she said, laughing. "That's what Grandma Tonk's hair looks like." Her hair went back to bright yellow.

"You'll have to buy me dinner before I show you what my hair really looks like."

With that, she snatched back the photograph and walked over to Sirius to mock the pouty face his younger self kept making in the picture.

He watched her walk away, finished his butterbeer in one big swig and wiped the foam off his mouth.

"What are you grinning about?" someone said on his right. His ears burned — he felt like someone had caught him. It was Bill.

"Just enjoying the party," he said, taking a canape from a tray and shoving it in his mouth in an attempt at looking normal. It was unconvincing, but Bill said nothing. Then Arthur came over to ask what, if anything, they knew about the "Internet," which was not much, but Arthur was impressed nonetheless.

\----

A few days later, Tonks, fresh off her shift at the Department of Mysteries and 13% asleep, stumbled into the kitchen in hopes of finding caffeination and maybe oatmeal before she had to head back to work. When Tonks was tired, she had less control over her Metamorphmagus powers, or she just didn't have the energy to care about her appearance. So she burst into what she expected to be any empty kitchen with her hair brown and frizzy, her hips a little wider, her face a little rounder, her nose a little bigger. It was vain to do these things every day, she knew, but it made her feel just a little better all the same.

But instead, she found Remus Lupin at the table, nursing a cup of tea. It felt quite like walking into a room naked. They both jumped.

"Nymphadora," he said, almost dropping his cup. "I didn't realize how late it was. Or early?" She wanted to run, but he'd already seen her.

"Just finished my shift," she said, remaining in the doorway, unsure of what to do. "I just wanted a cup of coffee..." Her voice trailed off. It was quite unlike her.

"Oh! I'll make you some! Sit!" he said, getting up and pulling out a chair for her. "You must be hungry too. I think we have some sausage left over from dinner? And toast?"

She sat as he started to move around the pots and pans. A moment later, a fresh cup of coffee was in front of her. She took a sip.

"Oh wow," she said. "That's so much better than whatever I would have made. I'm useless at kitchen spells, you know."

"I do," he said, smiling to himself as he heated up the sausages and toasted a slice of bread. "They really could do to teach some more practical classes at Hogwarts, when you think about it. I've never once had to turn a hedgehog into a pin cushion, but they could've taught me how to peel a potato or something."

"I've turned _loads_ of hedgehogs into pin cushions," she said, taking another sip of coffee. "Did you put nutmeg in this?"

"Just a little," he said. "And that's a load of bollocks. You've never done that except when Minerva told you to."

"Yes I have, I just can't tell you about it. Secret Auror business." The sausages and toast were ready. He slid them onto a plate.

"Oh yeah? Dark wizards just love using hedgehogs for their evil plans?" he said, turning around finally to face her.

"You'd be stunned — don't look at me like that." For Remus was frozen, gazing at her. Her face felt hot, and not just because of the fire. He blinked, but still didn't put the plate of food down.

"You —" he started, but he didn't know where the sentence was supposed to end. In the dim light of the fireplace, her hair every which way, her eyes tired, he knew that he loved her. He couldn't lie to himself at 5 a.m. He blushed and looked down, finally handing her the plate. He sat down next to her, still not meeting her eye. She ate in silence for a few moments.

"That mess with the boggart the other night," he finally said. "That was the worst. Haven't been able to sleep since, so I was here drinking tea. Molly with the kids' bodies. Awful." She nodded and nibbled on her toast. She didn't know where this was going but she wasn't going to interrupt. "You know what I saw the last time I saw a boggart? The moon." He laughed bitterly. She hated it.

"When was that?" she asked.

"When I was teaching at Hogwarts." He played with his empty tea cup. "It's kind of sad when you think about it. Molly's afraid everyone she loves is going to die and I don't have anyone I love."

"That's not true," she muttered, cutting her sausage into little pieces. "You love Sirius and Harry..."

"What I mean to say," he said, finally looking up at her. "I don't think if I saw a boggart, it would be a moon anymore." And the feeling she felt in her chest was incomparable to any feeling she ever had before. Was this a heart attack? Was she going to die here? Here lies Tonks, who died because a handsome man liked her enough to make her sausage and coffee? And she never even kissed him? Surely this could not stand.

He opened his mouth to say something else but she kissed him first. And he kissed her back. She could feel the stubble on his cheeks. He could taste the coffee on her lips. She thought she heard him growl. But after a moment, he pulled away.

"Nymphadora," he said, his forehead pressed to hers. But she wasn't going to let him say whatever sad sentence was on the tip of his tongue.

"Don't call me Nymphadora," she said and she kissed him again. And it was like everything — his sleepness nights, her self consciousness, Lord Voldemort — faded away to nothing. Who had time to worry about that when there was this? This was right where she wanted him, under her thumb, where he couldn't wiggle away.

But then they heard footsteps as someone clobbered down the stairs and they hurriedly broke apart. Remus got up to rinse his teacup, Tonks shoved a sausage in her mouth and made her hair short and blue just as Sirius burst in.

"Good morning!" he growled. "You're up early!"

"Remus made me coffee when I got back from the ministry," she said, still with sausage in her mouth.

"Yep!" Remus said, in a voice slightly higher pitched than normal. Sirius looked back and forth between the two of them, but said nothing. He grabbed some carrots from the counter.

"Just gonna run these up to Buckbeak..." he said, hesitantly. "Be back in a second." He left again. When they could no longer hear his footsteps, Remus and Tonks burst into laughter. She finished her coffee.

"I should go," she said, rising from the table. "If I wear the same robes two days in a row, everyone will know I spent the night with a dangerous man."

She winked and left.

Remus knew he was screwed, but for the moment he didn't care.

 


	5. Friday I'm In Love

Tonks felt like a 16 year old again. Not herself at 16 -- she'd been practicing jinxes and trying to keep her potions grade up -- but someone else at 16. In 6th year, her best friend Belinda Blumenthal had a secret relationship with a Slytherin 7th year (it was a secret because they were both Beaters on their respective Quidditch teams, and people got crazy about that sort of thing) and Tonks was the only one who knew. They'd spent all their free moments snogging behind a tapestry on the 4th floor, or in this one empty dungeon that was never locked, or in the astronomy tower, which was "so romantic, you just had to be there." This is when Tonks' relationship with Belinda deteriorated, for obvious reasons.

But now, Tonks could sympathize with Belinda. She had dated, sure, but those had all been tepid flings. This was infatuation. It was fire. Was it immature to shove their tongues down each other's throats almost any time they got a second alone (and weren't on a mission, because she was an _Auror_ , after all)? Yeah, probably. But was it also super hot and amazing? Yes. It really, really was. 

Tonks didn't want anyone to know because as the youngest member of the Order, she didn't want them to think she was more immature than they already did. It was a hard balance — appearing just immature enough that she retained an upper hand over people who doubted her, but mature enough that they trusted her outright. The color and texture of her hair was an essential weight.

Remus, of course, had his own reasons for not wanting to tell anyone. When he wasn't around her, he felt he had lost his mind. He was a _grown up_. A grown up _werewolf_. He was not supposed to spend any time snogging someone on a stairwell, listening for footsteps so they could spring apart before they got caught. _Snogging_. Adults didn't snog, did they? They fucked or boffed or bonked or  _made love._ (Ew.) 

And so it went. The kids went off the school, Arthur and Molly went back to the Burrow. Tonks and Remus mostly hung around Grimmauld Place for Sirius's sake (and, admittedly, for the kissing, but Sirius's blooming alcoholism could really kill what passed in the dank house for a "romantic atmosphere").

One night in October they sat around the fire in the kitchen, each with a glass of fire whiskey, and Sirius was lamenting Harry's newest Defense teacher, Umbridge. Tonks loved and hated to see Sirius talk about Harry. It was one of the few times he was genuine: the rest of the time, he let himself be caustic and abrasive. Remus told her Sirius didn't use to be so bitter, and she only believed him once she saw how he was with Harry. Younger. Hopeful.

"Why Dumbledore would stand to let a person like that anywhere near Harry..." Sirius was saying, leaning back in his chair. "Or the other kids for that matter! Molly said Fred and George have been in so much trouble —"

"The twins, who I like a lot, are nuisances in class, and would have gotten into trouble with any teacher," Remus said, in his most professorial manner.

"Were they nuisances for you?" Tonks asked, raising her eyebrows. He blushed.

"Well no," he admitted. "They _liked_ me." They laughed.

"Shame you had to stop teaching," Tonks said, looking into the fire.

"If you hadn't been there, a Dementor probably would have killed Harry," Sirius added. "Though maybe I would have revealed myself earlier if you hadn't..."

"Then Hermione would have killed you," Remus said, matter of factly. Tonks knew it was true. "It worked out. I liked teaching. Past tense. Umbridge's real legacy, there." He finished the rest of his drink. Tonks didn't like how bitter he sounded. She was missing something.

"Wait, what?" she asked, looking at him, finally. Remus poured himself more whiskey.

"Right after Severus _accidentally_  revealed Moony's identity," Sirius said, "Umbridge championed these intense laws restricting where and how werewolves could work. Basically making it impossible."

"She should have just come right out and named it the Remus Lupin Act of 1993," Remus said, smirking. Tonks didn't like the smirk. "But I had already quit my job at Hogwarts by the time she started on that, so it doesn't matter. Not really." Tonks blinked a few times.

"But ... that's royally fucked!" She didn't realize how angry she was until she opened her mouth. "How is that even legal? You're a wizard! You're a brilliant wizard! But even if you weren't you're not .... dangerous!" Sirius raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. He'd tried to convince Moony of the same thing.

"But I am," he said, so quietly she felt her heart break into a million little pieces. "Listen, it's not ideal, but it's understandable. People fear what they don't understand. My own father championed anti-werewolf measures. That's why..." He gestured vaguely toward himself. She got it. A million pieces was now two million.

"This anti-werewolf thing is so fucked up! Goblins are scarier than werewolves and they get to run a bank!" she shouted. She knew she wasn't making sense, but the words were coming so fast. "Not ideal? Understandable?" She mimicked his voice. "You're talking like it's, like it's a small inconvenience, like it's a pesky ghoul in the attic you'll just have to live with! Bias is one thing, but legally sanctioned bias!" Why was she so mad? She could have flipped the table and it wouldn't have been enough. She was standing — when did she stand up? "You can't just lie down! It's _your_ _life_!" Remus noticed her pink hair was approaching red, rapidly.

"Yeah," he said, cooly. "It _is_ _my_ _life_." Ow. Why did Tonks feel like she'd just been slapped in the face? "Surely you heard about it when it was proposed. Did you fight it so adamantly then?" She shook her head so slightly Sirius thought he might have imagined it. Poor girl.

She picked up her glass and walked it over to the sink.

"Gonna head out. Night boys." Her voice was so soft, so emotionless. She left. Remus and Sirius sat in silence for a few moments. Sirius broke it.

"It's one thing to get off with my cousin every chance you get, but it's another completely to fall in love with each other," he said, casually, as if commenting on the weather. Now it was Remus' turn to go red.

"It's not... we're not... she's not..." He didn't know how to end those sentences.

"It is, she is, and you are," Sirius said. He poured himself another drink. Remus wanted to cut Sirius off but, again, he couldn't find the words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey readers! if you like this let me know! would love ~feedback~


	6. Before We Turn To Stone

Nymphadora Tonks woke up angry. Or sad? Or disappointed? Or... She didn't know. She hated it. She had a few hours before she had to report to work, so she drank a big glass of water, tied on her running shoes, and hit the trail by her house. 

Other Aurors didn't understand working out. "I don't understand your fascination with 'fitness,'" Dorris Esthebridge, her officemate, had said to her once, when Tonks had come in from a lunchtime run. She had not used air quotes, but Tonks could hear them in her voice. She had just shrugged. Wizards didn't work out, unless they were playing Quidditch. Tonks' Muggle-born father had loved football as a child and had instilled in her not just love for his favorite sport, but a love of just feeling her own heart pump in her chest. And, she thought, her pure-blooded coworkers overvalued their magical abilities and undervalued their own feet, legs, arms and fists. But she mostly kept that to herself.

So when she felt like this, she ran. Not because it cleared her head and helped her see the light, or whatever, but because it helped her think nothing at all. And that's all she wanted. Nothing. 

Of course, it wasn't working. What was she even so mad about? Or sad about? Let Remus fuck up his own life, roll over and let those fuckers win. What did it matter to her? He was nothing to her. No, that's not true — he was something to her and she was nothing to him. That was the truth. That's why she felt like ... this. "It's my life." That's what he said. No room for her in it.

What a bloody git he was. Or she was. Or something. She'd been happy to feel like a stupid teenager for past month and a half, but she was a grown up (sort of). It was time to start acting like one. And grown ups didn't sulk because their snogging buddy was mean to them. Well, she thought, I'm pretty sure grown ups don't have "snogging buddies," but still.

Nevertheless, she would be a grown up. Tonight when she saw him at the Order Meeting, she would talk to him. Like a grown up. What she wanted to say... well she could figure that out during her lunch break.

\----

Remus John Lupin woke up feeling like he had to apologize. He couldn't put his finger on exactly what he was apologizing for, but he figured if he wrote down his words, he'd figure it out. So he sat at his desk, his morning tea in his hand, and tried to write a letter.

And immediately got stuck. Dear Tonks. Too impersonal. Dear Nymphadora. She'd hate that. Dearest Tonks. Too mature. Just Tonks. Too immature. Dear Ms. Tonks. Too creepy old man. Just a T? Just an N? Too intimate. He skipped the greeting, figuring he'd slap it on at the end.

He wrote, "I'm sorry that..." Fuck. I'm sorry I think I love you. I'm a gross old man who will ruin your life and you should run as far away as possible. Actually while you're running, you may as well just head to the continent, where Voldemort can't get you either. Fall in love with a young French wizard named Jacques and forget all about me.

Needless to say, he did not write this. He tried again. "I'm sorry that..." I'm sorry that I can't do this. I want to do this, but I can't. You don't know what it's like, and I don't want you to know either. 

He could still hear her in his head. "You can't lie down! It's your life!" She was right.

It was his life. And if someone had pulled aside Remus John Lupin, age 10, and told him this is how his life would end up, he wouldn't have believed them. Not in a million years. Yeah — a whole lot of it had been ... not great, but there was already more joy than he'd ever felt he could have hoped for. And when he thought of Tonks. Nymphadora. It was like a light glowed in his stomach.

He crumpled up his letter. He'd wing it.

\----

The Order meeting was unbearable. Normally he got there early and saved her a seat near him and Sirius. Instead, she got there early, his seat was taken by Molly —  with whom Tonks had a lovely chat about how Ginny was doing — and he snuck in the door just as the meeting began. She thought he looked nervous. He thought she looked beautiful. Her hair was red — a natural color, because she was trying to look like a serious person — and her skin was glowing and lord what was Dumbledore even saying? He kept stealing glances at her and she kept stealing glances at him and the only person who noticed was Sirius, who was amused and secretly glad to have something else to focus on than his own problems.

When the meeting ended, Arthur tried to chat with him, but he politely brushed him off, making his way over to Tonks. Molly had thankfully risen from her seat to lightly berate Sirius for how dusty the kitchen was (Remus knew she was really more concerned about how he was doing, and was glad someone else could take that burden for a moment), so he plopped down next to Tonks.

"You were late," she said. He didn't know what to make of her tone. He shrugged. "I tried to save you a seat, but I figured Molly deserved one more than you did." He thought he heard her smiling — he kept his eyes glued on the table.

"That she does." They sat there in silence for a moment. She opened her mouth to begin the well-crafted speech she had planned during her lunch break ("Remus, it's ok. I agree we should stop.") when he spoke first, taking her by surprise, "Would you mind if I escorted you home?"

They finally looked at each other. The anxiety she'd felt all day melted. She knew what she wanted. She gave a small nod. He held the door open for her as they left the kitchen. Again, only Sirius noticed. He was happy.

\----

They apparated to the park near her flat, and then walked in silence. After a moment, they both said "I'm sorry," at the same time. They laughed awkwardly.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" he asked, running a hand through his hair. He did that a lot, and she liked it.

"I was so mad at you last night — and this morning, admittedly — but I didn't have any right to be," she said, her arms crossed. This way she couldn't do anything stupid with her hands. "We're just, you know. Snogging buddies." He laughed.

"Is that the technical term? What the young people are saying these days?"

"Oh shut it," she said, kicking him. He laughed again, but then grew serious.

"No," he said. "You were right to get mad. I was stupid not to be. I get so used to the world being so stacked against me, that I forget it's not supposed to be like that. Thanks." He mumbled the last word, like it was no big deal, but to him it was.

They reached her building. "I'm sorry because this whole mess is my fault," he said. "I shouldn't have —"

"I'm glad you kissed me," she interrupted. "And I'm glad we kept doing it. Don't apologize for that." He ran his hands through his hair again.

"No stop, let me finish." He kicked the wall. "I tried to keep you at arms distance. Not literally, but you know..." It was getting away from him, what he meant to say. He turned to face her and tried again. "I like you so much. It's a little ... scary? I'm not used to this." He smiled. She melted. 

"I think you deserve more than me. No, stop, you do. More than an unemployed balding werewolf."

"You're greying, not balding," she said, which was true. He smiled again.

"Either way," he said. "I don't know what _this_ is." He gestured vaguely between them. "But it _is_ my life, and I'm not dead yet and —"

And that's when she grabbed his shirt and kissed him. Now she ran her hands through his hair and he held her waist and she wanted to stay there forever. But after a moment, she pulled away.

"I do live upstairs..." she said, trailing off. And then she grabbed his hand and lead him inside.


End file.
